I didn't have to be to the surgery center until later in the morning so, Matt and I took Zeplin to school then we came back to finish getting Arrowlyn's stuff ready for her morning with Sister Lowry. It was intended that my dad would be at my house when Zeplin got home from school and hang out with him until my sister, Jessica, could get off work and pick up Arrowlyn and relieve my dad.
Matt and I headed to St. Lukes Orthopedic Surgery Center and I could really feel my anxiety sky rocket. I know I've had a lot of surgeries but they don't get any less scary. I just know what to expect now. My fears are all still very prevalent.
After checking in, Matt left since he couldn't come back with me for Pre-op Prep. Pre-op was easy. I'm not pregnant and it only took my nurse 1 time to put an IV in instead of the usual 5-10 attempts.
I was quickly wheeled into the OR and asleep within seconds of being placed on the OR bed.
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I woke up crying, as I usually do from anesthesia. Apparently asking for my children and begging to know if they were okay. Matt came in to kiss me and talk to me as I continued to wake up. Doc Curran told Matt that the surgery was great and relatively easy. My meniscus tear was trimmed away and providing me a new ACL was routine so I was out within a couple hours. The block on my knee wasn't exactly what was described. I was told I wouldn't be able to move my feet for a few hours but I could move my ankle the moment I woke up. We headed home shortly after I woke up and was dressed. I was very groggy on the way home and attempted to sleep on the drive.
My momma was at my home too. I can't remember if she was here when I got home or shortly after. But I remember laying in bed next to her chatting. Eventually I dozed off and slept.
Arrowlyn and Zeplin were still with Jessica so it was very quiet until they got home. I didn't not do much with them since I slept the whole night away, only waking up to take some pain pills.
Since getting home, I've not had much pain - mostly because I still had the nerve block in my leg. But we stayed on top of the pain meds so it really wasn't all that bad. Thankfully I slept a lot, thanks to my friends Percocet and Promethazine. 
3/7 - 3/11: Matt stayed with me all week to help with the kids while I stayed in bed for a couple days. I was not prepared for how painful this was going to be. The first two days, I think I cried more from pain during this surgery than any other surgery I've had. I was able to stay in bed most of the time and sleep though.
Zeplin brought me to tears on the 1st full day home. Once because he was so sweet, and the other time because he was so sad.
Bright and early Wednesday morning, I woke up to Zeplin putting a bowl of blueberries on my side. I heard him whisper, "I love you mom." and walk back out. He came back in a little while later - I was awake so I was able to tell him thank you and give him a huge hug!
Later that evening, he really wanted Matt and I to play a game with him but I was trying to get up to go potty and was crying pretty hard from the pain. Zeplin was yelling over my tears to get us to pay attention to him so Matt scolded him. Zj started to cry and left the room. I went after him, tears in my eyes and tried to hug him but he was bawling unconsolably. He told me he was afraid to hurt me. Matt scooped him up and tried to get him to talk but all we could understand was, "You and Mom have to focus on Mom's leg and no one is around to be with me. You and mom don't want me around and you have no time for me."
I started bawling because his sadness was so valid and real. I have all these horrible feelings of guilt and hatred for myself for being selfish for playing volleyball and getting hurt.
I slept horribly that night because I couldn't stop thinking about my son. This injury isn't just physical, it's been very emotional too.
On the 9th, Friday, I went in for my 1st post op physical therapy. PT was rough. It hurt really bad and I was struggling to not cry. Matt was wise and suggested I take a Percocet before we left and I'm so glad I did. As soon as I got back into the car after PT, I took another one.
Besides the pain, my legs felt really strong and I was happy to do the exercises. I'll be happy through all my PT as long as I can see progression. Sara, my PT, got me up and walking with my crutches but I was able to put pressure on my leg. I hope by the end of next week I will be off them.
A side note, I've been tolerating the Percocet really well. They don't make me sick and have been putting me to sleep rather quickly. I close my eyes for a spilt second and I'm out for the count - sometimes for a few minutes, but usually for a few hours. Lucky me! I find myself dozing off and losing grip of whatever is in my hand and it makes me laugh.
One moment that didn't make me laugh was when my daughter ran away from me because of my knee. Matt has been constantly reminding the kids to be careful with me and not get close to my knee. But one particular time, Arrowlyn was crying so I tried to comfort her. When I asked her if I could hold her, she reached towards me, stopped, looked at my knee and ran away crying again. I felt that rejection and it hurt. Eventually she came to me and we gave each other the hugs we both wanted.
3/10 Saturday was a rough day. I thought I was doing amazing and figured I should get out of the house. We went shopping to find Zeplin some soccer shoes and wandered around some various stores. By 2:30pm, my leg started to feel heavy and almost like it wasn't connected. Then it became painful so I told Matt we needed to go home, instead of stop at the other places I wanted to go to.
We got home and my entire leg was swollen, not just my knee. I hurried upstairs, elevated my leg and threw the ice machine on. I moaned and groaned through the pain until Matt came upstairs to give me my pain meds.
I tried to sleep but couldn't. By 5:30, I could hardly stand the pain. I needed to use the restroom so I hobbled in and started to cry. Zeplin was waiting outside the door, unsure of what to do. Matt was downstairs cleaning and getting ready for dinner. When I opened the door, Zeplin came towards me with sadness in his eyes, he grabbed my hands and said, "Mommy, put your hands on my shoulders. I will help you." I was in so much pain and was crying pretty hard but I let him know that he was amazing, brave and strong for helping me. Once I was on the couch, Zeplin put blankets on me, pillows under my ankle and told me he loved me. He was calm and quiet the rest of the evening.
Until Jessica and Kyle swung by to pick up Zeplin for a sleep over. He had a long, fun day with Matt but I really think he needs the mental break from all that is going on. Z has been so brave but it's really weighing on him to see me cry.
3/11 - 3/14: I stayed home all day Sunday to repair the damage I did the day before. I kept my leg elevated and cold while Matt ran around with Arrowlyn, preparing for his mom's week with us. Melanie came into town Sunday afternoon to spend the week helping me with the kiddos. The Clark siblings came over for dinner but we dispersed before 9pm and all went to bed. I was so thankful for Melanie's help since Matt was back at work on Monday and I was still struggling to walk. More than struggling - the pain was out of control and it was still really swollen.
I had my 2nd PT post op on the 13th. Melanie drove us and it was a terrifying ordeal for me. I'm already anxious when other people drive so it just made it worse.
At PT, I expressed concern that I couldn't straighten my leg still and that the pain was still very intense. My PT, Sara, was with me when the doctor came by to show me the images from surgery.
The images were neat to see. There are pictures of the torn meniscus and the scissors used to cut it away. Then you see a picture of the torn ACL ligament just laying limp between my bones. The 2nd page of images was the holes drilled through the bone and them pulling the chords and new cadaver tendon through.
She expressed concern with my swelling and reiterated that I need to RICE as much as possible to get the swelling down. She understands the pain must be bad because swelling and pain go hand in hand. I can't do the exercises without the swelling to flare up which was evident in my PT that day. By the end of the hour session, my knee and lower leg was massive.
Zeplin was in the spotlight again after my appointment on the 13th when I came around the corner to hear a woman say, "I have a Dessa Clark here." and then my son saying, "Yeah!!" I peeked my head around and said, "Zeplin, what are you doing in here bud?" An older woman said, "This must be your mommy. He's been looking for you." His reply, "I'm here to help you you out to the car. Here take my hand." The room was crowded with staff and patients trying to help my son find his mommy so when they heard him, they swooned with admiration for his sweet spirit. As I do every day.
BUT the GOOD NEWS: As of last Friday, I was 12 degrees shy of total extension. But after working on it over the weekend, I was 5 degrees away from total extension! I'm determined to get to total extension by my appointment on the 19th! I'm faithful to my exercises and push really hard through my pain. My kiddos usually stretch with me and it's encouraging. But I know that the better I do with my exercises, the quicker I will heal! After all my stretch sets, I can usually walk a little bit cleaner until the swelling and pain set in.
Unfortunately, without pain pills, I'm immobile. The pain is so bad that I tense up and lock my knee.
I'm sleeping a lot, because of the Promethazine but the Percocet makes me dizzy. My entire shin is numb to touch. The bone contusion at the lowest incision site is the most painful. It's actually what causes me 100% of the pain when I try to straighten my leg. I get a little giggly but emotional when I'm trying to fall asleep and my muscles twitch.. sometimes it hurts really bad but usually it makes me laugh because of the shock of my muscles coming back to life.
I'm still using crutches only because they help me to focus on the correct way to walk and I worry less about my leg giving way. I spent 90% of the day with my leg hooked up to the ice machine. The rest of the time, I'm trying to get kids taken care of or myself cleaned up. Having Melanie here and other people dropping by to help has been so amazing! I've been so blessed by the kindness of my children, husband, family and friends.
I'll share the rest of my updates on our monthly blog posts. But I'm optimistic and reminding myself to be patient for recovery! I'll be good as new soon!
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