This has been the worst moment in my life to date. My knee injury doesn't even come close in the emotional roller coaster I experienced over Thanksgiving weekend through Tuesday. Bear with me as I find therapy in writing and I just need to release this sadness.
Just as I finished a blog post about being depressed over the events of 2018 but trying to find Gratitude to God for everything else - Matt and I found ourselves in a surreal moment.
While out getting tea with my friend Kellie, I felt this sharp pain that I could only describe as gas pain.
I had another get together with my friend, Joyce, at Flatbread Pizza. We enjoyed a lovely dinner and visited for over a hour until her sweet baby had had enough. As we stood outside chatting some more, my stomach was flipping and the pain was becoming unbearable.
I headed home and tried to ignore what was happening. I played games with Matt's family, finished my salad, and eventually excused myself to figure out why the pain was so bad. I chalked it up as gas but I couldn't do anything about it. I took stool softeners, DigestZen and Tums. I took a warm bath but couldn't sit still long enough that I hopped out, wrapped up in a towel, and climbed on the bed. I put my face in a pillow, butt in the air *because gas rises right* and cried.
I stayed that way for awhile until Matt walked in a found me in this compromising position. He tried to tickle me but when I clenched away from him, the pain was so sharp, I screamed out and started
bawling.
Eventually, because nothing was helping, I left the safety of my bedroom and went back out to play some more games with hopes to just ignore the pain. Everyone laughed when Matt shared my position to help rid the body of gas but when I said, "I'm sure it's not gas and something else is wrong", the table got quiet. I shut my mouth and we finished Cards against Humanity. With no more cards on the table, it was everyone's cue to leave.
I thought maybe I was being a hypochondriac. I took another bath, moaning and groaning the entire time. I got a thought that I should feel around my abdomen and see if I could pin point where the pain was. Immediately, as if I got stabbed, I knew the pain was coming from my right ovary. I cried out to God for help, asking Him to take this away from me. I was scared. He told me to go to the hospital and everything would be alright.
I got dressed.
At this point, I couldn't stand up straight and was bent over walking around the room. It woke Matt up, which forced him to pay attention to my symptoms. I told hm I was going to go lay on the couch and if the pain wasn't better by 3am, I would go to the ER. When I pointed to the location of my pain, he jumped up, got dressed, called his mom to come over for the kids and rushed me to the ER. He was adamant that if it was my appendix, he didn't want to risk a rupture.
Every single bump, twist, or shift in the road had me in tears. The pain was officially at a 10 and I couldn't find comfort. I felt grateful for my husband to be my partner in this. I was almost going to drive myself but I'm glad I didn't have to.
We made it to the ER and I walked in, gingerly sitting myself down in a waiting room chair for Matt to check me in. The front nurse brought me a wheel chair and got my vitals, then immediately took me to a room, pushing me to the front of the line.
The room flooded with a couple nurses and the ER doc. He asked is I was pregnant and by my calculations, I swore to the moon and back that I wasn't. Of course we needed to confirm before they could administer a pain regimen. As I sat on the toilet screaming from pain, I couldn't imagine being pregnant. I just wanted pain relief.
The nurse wheeling me back to my room, instructed a little nurse to fetch my sample and test it for pregnancy. I laid in the ER bed with the doctor and nurse hovering over me to do a physical exam when I heard my nurse ask, "Did you get the urine result?" and the little nurse responded " Yes, it is positive."
I lifted my head and exclaimed,
"I'M PREGNANT!?!"
Within seconds, when the reality set in that I was pregnant, I thought about the pain and what it could possibly mean, I became hysterical.
Screaming because of the pain.
Sobbing because of shock.
And completely broken hearted by the reality of what was happening.
The scream that came out of me was barbaric. I was clawing at my husband. "I can't keep doing this!! I can't do this anymore!!"
They quickly drew my blood to see what my HcG levels were and left to get me some pain medicine and give Matt and I some time to cope/grieve. The pain meds put me immediately to sleep but didn't last long and I woke up to he nurse putting in another IV stating that they are bringing in Ultrasound. The results of my blood test came back that I was indeed pregnant - about 5-6 weeks pregnant. Which means I got pregnant within days of my IUD being removed.
HCG QUANTITATIVE PREGNANCY (SERUM HCG,QUANT) - Final result (11/25/2018 1:58 AM)
| HCG QUANTITATIVE PREGNANCY (SERUM HCG,QUANT) - Final result (11/25/2018 1:58 AM) | |||
|---|---|---|---|
| Component | Value | Ref Range | Performed At |
| SERUM HCG, QUANT | 657.8 | ||
The ultrasound tech was quick to get things going. Being so early pregnant, she had to use a transvaginal wand and I cried out in agony every time she went to the right side, which was often. I asked her bluntly if she could see the baby, which she shared that she did not see one. My heart sank and I began to feel numb to the pain.
Shortly after she finished, she excused herself to chat with the doctor. She must have seen enough because he canceled my 2nd ultrasound on my appendix. The ER doctor came in and shared that there is a lot of fluid in my abdomen and they need to do surgery to find out what's causing the bleeding. He offered to call my OB and see if he was available, which he wasn't, so the on call doctor came in and offered an explanation to my pain as an Ectopic Pregnancy that needed to be removed immediately.
The OR was prepping a room for me as we spoke. I couldn't stop crying. She asked me why I was crying and all I could say was, "I'm just so sad." She assured that I could still get pregnant in the future. It was the last thing I was worried about in the moment.
She left Matt and I to prep herself for surgery. I looked over to my husband and asked him to pray over me. He held my face as we both cried to each other and out to our Lord to keep us.
By this time, we were in the ER for over 3 hours. The ER doctor came in to apologize and I could feel his sadness too. Eventually the transportation nurse arrived and we started our way up the building. Matt followed me to the doors of the OR. Nurses and staff were surprisingly quiet as I passed them while laying in my bed. Many of them reaching to my arm and head, offering prayers and well wishes. I kept my face in the pillow as I cried, sure of the outcome and how I was going to move forward from this loss.
I was so very sad. I kept thinking, "Why was I told I have a baby that I can't keep?" I want this baby. I want all my babies. Why did God tell me I could have another child and then take it away from me??
I knew I shouldn't be asking myself these questions so I rolled over and shut off my brain until my anesthesia doctors pulled me from my trance and I was reminded again what was happening. Anesthesia took me the remainder of the distance to the OR.
I'd been in operating rooms so many times in my life that it was familiar and not scary. The bright, cold room was almost comforting as I thought about the outcome of sleep and pain relief.
After a few puffs of oxygen, my doctor leaned over my face and asked if I was ready to go to sleep. I nodded and it was 'lights out'.
ZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZ
I heard, "Can we wake her up now?"
I saw two elderly nurses leaning over me, nudging me gently to wake up.
I asked if they were able to get the baby out and she replied,
"Honey, you're still pregnant."
My eyes opened wide and with a raspy voice I asked if she was joking?
The next 30 minutes was very spotty. My mom was there, then Matt was there. The surgeon came in with pictures from the surgery and explained the mass they found on my tube was a massive blood clot. She showed me the ovary, with a huge hole in it, covered in blood and explained that I had a large ovarian rupture causing internal bleeding (almost a liter worth) and this large blood clot that looked like an ectopic pregnancy. They didn't have to remove any of my reproductive organs and I was possibly still pregnant. (Because they didn't know what the clot was)
I cried so hard. I held my heart and praised God for keeping me.
After they gave me some time to wake up and focus on what had just happened, they took me to the bathroom to change my clothes. I signed papers and before I knew it, I was discharged with this new hope that everything was going to be okay.
Over the next 24 hours, I slept a lot.
My sister, Jessica, graciously took my children for the entire day. Matt ran errands and helped situate me on the couch while my mom watched over me like an angel.Eventually we all fell asleep, only waking up a few times to go potty and take pain pills. By the afternoon, I was a little more coherent. Matt had finally been able to sleep. (He was awake the entire time I was in the hospital except for a short time when my mom got there and I was in surgery.) My mom stayed while he took a shower and left when he got out so she could go home and rest.
A short time later, my sister and her entire family came to bring my kids back and check on me. I shared what I remembered of the situation. I was still in shock and couldn't quite articulate what was happening. The kids were so concerned and it meant a lot to have them there. Mom had let all my siblings know so throughout the day I got messages from all them offering prayers and well wishes. Matt had told all of my closest friends so I got messages throughout the day from them too.
Eventually it was bed time and I welcomed it - after a very uncomfortable shower.
Sleeping was rough. Matt fell asleep instantly and I tossed and turned. Matt woke me up every 4 hours and put pain meds in me. But if you've ever had abdominal surgery then you know the gas they use to inflate your tummy doesn't always get released and will rise to your shoulders, diaphragm, neck and jaw, which is exactly what happened. I used a heat pack on my shoulders to help alleviate the gas pain.Monday, I woke up to my son calmly telling Arrowlyn to let us sleep because we had a bad day. They were so good in the living room. We told Zeplin about the pregnancy and explained what happened. He was very sensitive about it.
Matt got right to work with the kids since it was Zeplin's first day back at school. The pain was horrible. My throat was the worst, believe it or not. They must have jammed that trachea tube down my throat - it felt like I had strep throat all day. I slept a lot on the couch with my family surrounding me, including our pets. I didn't cry much. I felt like I couldn't address my emotions adequately because I didn't know what the true outcome was - at least not until Tuesday.
My dear friend, Joyce, dropped by with bags of food for us. We both couldn't wrap our heads around how quickly things changed from the night we had dinner together to 5 hours later being in an emergency situation. She sat and visited with Matt and I for awhile. We recounted everything leading up to the ER, during and after.
Matt shared some intimate moments with me where he said the doctor came out after the surgery and told him that I might still be pregnant and he replied, "I just held my wife and felt her heart break into a million pieces and you're telling me that there is hope BUT yet there might not be!?"
When he shared this, I could feel his emotions as he obviously just went through a turmoil of wondering if we should rejoice or not. Matt was so brave and strong for me although I know his heart was broken too. He was so very sad. I wish I could have been a crutch to him as he had been for me. Seeing him cry while we prayed together was so gentle and sincere.
Throughout Monday, I got many messages of love and support. Including a doorbell ditch of goodies.
Poor Zeplin was trying to be loving and went to give me a huge hug when his elbow slammed into my bellybutton and I screamed out in pain. He grabbed my hand and apologized with such sadness. I covered my face and cried, reaching out to his to comfort him. He quickly kissed my hand and went upstairs to bed. He's trying to be so strong! I can't imagine what little ones go through when they see a parent at such loss.
Bedtime came and went. I couldn't sleep and just snuggled up with my dogs and cat on the couch, listening to Stella snore and TeddiBear shuffle. Sleep finally came and I felt so much better by morning. Besides Matt waking me up every 4 hours for pain meds.
By 9am, Matt had the kids ready and the car warm when he helped me into the car to head to my post op blood draw to see if the baby was still there.
I was able to go to the St Lukes clinic by my house for the blood draw which was so great to not have to drive too far.
I think waiting is worst torment on anyone.
When the phone call finally came, Matt answered it. I wanted to hear it from him if we were going to have another baby or not. . . . .
And the results were not. My HcG number dropped significantly and it would appear the pregnancy was no longer viable.
My heart hurts. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. I hate this.
I just rolled over on the couch and cried.
I'm not ready to confront this pain. Physically or emotionally.
Hopefully I will get answers on Monday when I see my doctor again. I just want to hibernate through the rest of this year.
I'll sleep through my families birthdays, and Christmas if could skip having to experience this pain ever again.
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