He is RISEN!! Jesus Lives!

How often in our lives do we actually get to encounter God?

Does our earthly world and our heavenly home ever overlap just enough that we can witness a miracle?? 
How has God revealed Himself to you? 

All my life, I wanted to know Jesus. I wanted to know God.

Not just what I was told to believe about Him, but actually know Him.

Growing up, I loved being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I loved the culture, the family/friends, community, and the values but I was conflicted with most of the doctrines. I remember praying often during church that something would be said that made sense about the nature of God and what He wanted from me. Some of the lessons contradicted previous prophetic teachings in the Bible. Even lessons between the church's proclaimed prophets weren't consistent and this would worry me. (As it should for everyone when you consider Deuteronomy 13) But, not really knowing the Bible (and being told not to trust the Bible,) it was not enough to question my naive faith. I resolved to trust that what I was being taught at church was true.

Year after year, I attempted to "walk the walk and talk the talk" of a good Mormon girl. The LDS religion is saturated with Moralism and Legalism so if you aren't doing what "they" say you should be doing, something was wrong with you or you were considered unfavored by God.
I tried to ignore my hearts draw to find the truth of God that didn't contradict Mormon Doctrine. Eventually my questions became too much to handle so I shared my struggles with my leaders and was told that if I bore my adolescent testimony often or had just enough faith, it would all be made known to me in due time. I leaned on my parents (and ward members) testimonies and really held tight to believing God would make it all known to me one day.
I wanted it to be true. Some times, I felt like it was true.

But human feelings are a fickle thing, and God is not a fickle God. He has not changed and will not change. He will not be mocked by our every changing emotions to who we think He is and what we want to believe as truth. We cannot chase feelings. 

For example, when I was Laurel President (2004), I remember being bothered by a class about the degrees of Glory. Every time the topic was taught I envisioned God saying, "Well, I love you. You did (this) but didn't do (this) so you'll go (here)." I approached someone in my family about it and the response was, "Well, you don't want to go to heaven with a hooker, do you?" My 17 year old, ignorant, self said, "No, I don't want to be in heaven with a hooker."  

Today, I'm ashamed of my ignorance for that answer. The truth is, I'm not any better than a 'hooker.' I'm not better than anyone. I am a sinner. I am imperfect because of what I am; human. But God is merciful... to not give me what I deserve (death) and gracious... to give me what I don't deserve (everlasting life). 

From the time I was in college (2004) to the time I got divorced in 2010, I clung to what I was being taught in church as truth. But eventually, I had enough of assuming it was true. I decided to start asking some hard questions and really put my faith to the test. 

During the fall of 2010, after my divorce, I went to my bishop every single Sunday evening for a few months. I was sure he would help me answer my questions about Joseph Smith, polygamy, tithing, degrees of glory, pre-existence, masonic rituals in temple and other confusing doctrines. He directed me to read/study the Book of Mormon, go to the temple, pay my tithing, write essays & read them back to him and other priesthood men. So, I did all that and more. I prayed, researched and even took the discussions from the missionaries!! Although this bishop was a kind individual, he didn't have the answers to my questions. It was chalked up that it was my fault I had questions and that I did not have enough faith in the Mormon church and the prophets.
I was furious, heartbroken, and devastated, to say the least. I didn't want to keep going through the motions! I wanted to ask my questions and not feel ashamed for my curiosity to the nature of God and “His church.” I wanted a solid, firm, unshakable testimony of Jesus. 

I wanted MY OWN knowledge of God. And God knew this. 

January 2011, after my final visit with the bishop, I went out to my car and screamed. Literally screamed.

It was dark outside.

I was bawling.

And I yelled at God!!

"God, I've lost you! 
I don't know who I am! 
I don't know who you are!
 I don't know what you want from me!"
and without a moment to catch my breath, I heard, "Find Me." My whole body shook from the sobbing and screaming but I immediately felt calm. I nodded my head and drove home.

     I ran inside and I collapsed to the floor of my room. I acknowledged to God that I knew He was speaking to me! I thanked Him for answering me. I thanked Him for making Himself known. I was on the verge of throwing my hands in the air and being done with religion and God all together when He pulled me back in. 
I was hopeless and He gave me hope that He was real and He knew me.

I had heard that voice once before, three months earlier, in the Boise desert, when I saw Matt for the first time. God said, "he's going to be important to you one day." This voice was so clear, as if He was sitting next to me. Back then, I thought it was my imagination but after hearing Him a 2nd time - I knew it was God speaking to me.

My story continues - - 

Matt did indeed become important to me. Two months after our first date, we were married. I’ve never had to worry about my marriage. It’s always been very blessed and full of love. I was diagnosed with infertility in 2009 but God gave me two beautiful children here on earth and 5 babies in heaven. In every way, He has directed & guided my life, without me really even knowing it.

Even though I was lost in this beautiful life, I never forgot what God said to me 7 years earlier. I tugged at the thought of seeking answers to my questions again and went on a quest to find God through the religion of my childhood. I wanted to raise my children to know God, but I needed to know Him first before I could teach my children. I dabbled at reading conference talks, had intimate conversations with my LDS friends, listened to priesthood blessings and such offerings of testimony and faith. But my main questions remained unanswered.
Who is God?
What does He want from me?
After awhile, I resolved to stay neutral in terms of religion. So I went about my life, praying all along the way. 

In the early spring of 2018, God put me into a season of rest when I injured my knee. To pass the time, until I could get back to playing sports again, I read a lot of books. I was particularly fascinated with the FLDS women & their prophet, who is currently in prison for marrying underage girls. When they shared their stories, I felt uncomfortable by their polygamist lifestyles, to which they were forced to adhere. It is apart of their theology that if they don't become polygamist wives, they won't go to heaven.  

June 2018, after I outgrew the fascination of the FLDS, I getting ready for my day, praying a little prayer, when something clicked in my brain. It was as if my eyes were opened, having been blindfolded all my life; Warren Jeffs, the FLDS prophet, is in prison for exactly the same things that Joseph Smith did when he was alive. (Polyandry and Pedophelia) The whole foundation of the LDS faith is based on this one man's words. What if he lied and we’ve been blinded by this?  (Galatians 1:8) And with that and more, my whole world view of my youth crumbled.

I grieved for days over this revelation. I broke down to Matt, who had no words for me. He had reconciled his decision to not believe in Mormonism or Joseph Smith as a teenager but we never talked about it. He only had hugs of comfort as I felt like my childhood days of primary songs crumbled, and favorite years of being a Young Woman came crashing down around me. I felt like I had been lied to all my life. I was angry as I went through all the memories & pain of believing something was wrong with me. I didn't want this realization to be happening to me but there was no turning back!

I was scared at what I was finding out. I didn't realize God was putting me on a path to finding Him.

A few days after I made the connection, I called my dear childhood friend and she immediately connected with me. Even though we were in a public place, I cried to her asking her questions about Jesus, the Bible, His church and His Grace. From the Bible, she answered all my questions. When we parted, she said, "Dessa, please go home and be at peace. Know that your debt has been paid. Peace be unto you." And for the first time in my entire life, I felt peace. True, honest, Godly peace.(Romans 8:6)
As she spoke, my heart and my head were able to make sense of my questions and God was revealing Himself to me through His Word & Spirit, by using my friend.

Matt brought the car around to me and as I sat with him, I just smiled.
Although spiritual peace was unfamiliar, I somehow knew what I was feeling - it was the Grace of God changing my heart from a heart of stone to a heart of flesh. (Ezekiel 11:19)

Because everything was still so fresh, I went on a hunt to research the Church history to gain a better understanding of Joseph Smith and his teachings. My friend had sent me a book called, “Unveiling Grace” by Lynn Wilder. This book sat on my ‘to be read’ list for months. When I finally sat down to open it, I prayed for my soul. The mind control from my youth was so strong, having been told that I “shouldn’t read Anti-Mormon literature or I was going to lose my soul to the devil,” that I became fearful this book was going to ruin my life forever. And it did; but not in the way I expected it to. (Matthew 16:25)  I was losing my life but was on the brink of finding a new one, grounded on Jesus. As I read, I cried. I started to see the differences and contradictions between the Bible and the Mormon church. From June to November 2018, I spiraled out of control in anger and frustration with all this new information.

Until the unexpected happened. My body was dying but I wasn’t ready to die. God wasn’t ready for me either.

He was writing the most beautiful story to my life even in the midst of tragedy. 

This story that would give meaning to my life, a relationship with Him and ALL Glory to Jesus! 

Thanksgiving 2018, In the middle of the night, I moaned and groaned in bed, trying to get comfortable but the pain in my lower abdomen was making it impossible. I had no idea what was wrong so I decided to investigate by feeling around. When my fingers found my right ovary, I screamed in pain. “Jesus, Lord, please take this from me!” A voice infiltrated my mind with, “Go to the hospital, you’ll be okay.”  I got up, got dressed and as I attempted to walk out of my room, I made up my mind to go lay on the couch instead, so I could let my husband sleep. That’s when Matt, who was completely asleep, sat up in bed. I KNOW the Holy Spirit woke Matt up because if I had laid down on the couch, I would have died from internal bleeding. Matt rushed me to the ER while our babies were still sleeping at home with Grandma Melanie. (By God’s providence, she was in town for the holiday.) 

I was taken, immediately, into a room and, after some tests, was informed that I was pregnant. The pregnancy was in my ovary and it had ruptured. I screamed out to my husband and we both sobbed. We were in shock!! I didn't even know I was pregnant but I wanted that baby so terribly! It was our 4^th pregnancy loss and we were heartbroken. 

Matt prayed to God to "keep me" and with that simple prayer, we both submitted our lives to Him to take care of, preserve us & our family.

  Jesus was there with us in that hospital room. 

He wrapped His arms around both of us and cried with us. 

He knew how badly we wanted a baby but He also knew how badly we NEEDED Him!

He turned that horrible situation of pain and loss into undeniable glory for Himself as the living God of all!

Days after the operation, once we learned how rare, serious & deadly my experience was, we could no longer doubt Jesus and His power. His presence was undeniable! With the same zeal and desire to research the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints' doctrine, I began researching God and His Attributes. I remembered my friend when she had a scripture for every answer she gave, so I turned to my Bible. I started in the Book of Job and was wide eyed to God's Wonder! Then, I read the Gospel of John. With every Word I read, the Spirit convicted me of all my sins but pointed me towards His Grace! I deserved to die but God wanted me to know Him! By Grace we are saved!!! 
I continued to read..... Matthew, Mark, Luke...... and as if I had been asleep all my life, I was finally awake to The TRUE JESUS of the Bible. He's not my brother. Not just a prophet. Nor is He just my friend and example..... but GOD!!!
He has always been God!!! Our Creator! (John 1)

I believe Him when He said “No one has seen the Father for the Father is Spirit.” 

“I and the Father are one.” 

“Before Abraham was, I AM!”

And the fact that He forgave sins, something only God could do, was mind-blowing.
Suddenly I was in awe of Jesus and His love! What an amazing God we have, who would be willing to step down from His throne, live the life we live before us, die the death we deserve, and conquer the grave for our sake!! WOW!!

I joined online Bible communities, Bible Studies, and group prayers. I was devouring as much information as I possibly could about my Creator!

Four months later, God was on the move in our lives again. He sanctioned a move from the house we had zero intention of leaving, into a home across town. I didn’t want this new (to us) house but when it was the only house that became available and our home was already under contract, we went with it. A couple weeks after moving in, I was drawn to pursue greater learning of the Bible and stepped into a Christian church for the first time. It was walking distance from our new house. When I opened the door, the man greeting people could tell I was scared. I blurted out that I was raised LDS and he ushered me to his wife, who was able to relate to my story. I’m positive that I never would have known that building was there had we not moved. God is so great!!!

He knows what He's doing!

 I have not audibly heard God since BUT through the Bible, God continues to speak to me. The Spirit confirms that I am justified by Jesus’ sacrifice and I am okay to learn and lean on Him. We are actually commanded to give our lives over to Him! (Psalm 46:10) and become as little children. (Matthew 18:3) The gospel has been so easy to understand that little children can make sense of it, but even the highest scholars are in awe of it!

I continue to study and immerse myself into learning about God. Matt even started reading the Bible and listens to it every day on his way to work. We learned how to read God's word in context and read it as a story about Him, not about us. Everything that would confuse me about the Mormon faith was made clear. I am no longer angry because I know how to discern truth Biblically. I pray, always, for my loved ones that God will reveal Himself to them!

 In August 2019, as I grew in faith, Jesus' words convicted me to be baptized as His disciple. It was my outward expression of my inward change that God did for me. Something I couldn’t have done for myself. My salvation is assured because I believe in Him. I know Him and my hope is in Him alone!

God revealed Himself to me in the most tremendous, miraculous way. 
I only want to glorify Him for what He's done for me and my family.
I am so fortunate to not only know Jesus, but I have experienced His greatness!!
There is a difference between knowing God is sweet and actually tasting His sweetness.
The difference between knowing His glory and witnessing His glory is beyond compare.
Jesus died for me, and I only want to live for Him.

He is Risen! He is Risen INDEED!!