We cried over the "would be" or "could be" realities that my husband would have woken up to his wife, dead, on the couch if he hadn't taken me to the hospital or he could have come home from the hospital to tell our two small children that I was never coming home again.
I learned a new word from this experience.... Lamentation. The passionate expression of grief or sorrow.
Matt and I lamented in the hospital when we learned I was pregnant. If I'm being entirely honest, I've been reliving the experience in my mind for an entire 365 days. I put on a brave face but I still cried when I talked about it or when I was alone trying to sort out the details of it.
A couple months ago, I joined a lovely group of women to study the book of Esther. It was a beautiful story of Lamentation & Celebration which I could visualize the relation of my story with this one. Towards the end of the study, the question was asked, "Do we celebrate Purim? The day of deliverance from destruction." All of the little sensors in my brain when off when I realized that I'd been living in my own personal day of "Pur" that I've forgotten about the most important part. Pur is over and it's time to celebrate my personal Purim, instead. And although God was not once mentioned in the book of Esther, He is in all the details.
We suffered a sad loss that could have been worse, we gained something so much greater - Jesus.
Just as God moved among His people during their days of lamentation, Jesus was with us that awful day in the hospital. He wrapped His arms around us while we wept in that tiny ER room. While Matt pleaded with God to save my life, Jesus was there. I can't adequately describe it, but I can still see it, as if I was out of my body watching from above. I was rolled over to my left with Matt's forehead on mine. Matt was holding my hands while I cried through his prayer. He was pleading, whispering, with God to save me. In that moment, we were completely enveloped in Jesus' arms. One arm around me and the other around Matt with His head leaned into ours. Weeping with us. Whispering with Matt.
Although I didn't know the words for what we were doing, I know now that was the day that we surrendered ourselves to God. We were overwhelmed with loss, grief and fear. He called out to us to leave everything at the foot of the Cross and give praise to our amazing God who had saved my life and my soul.
While I still cannot explain all the events from that time or make sense of how I'm still alive, there is one thing for certain, God is real and living. He's weeping with us, holding us and saving us. He is involved in every detail of our lives.
Are you hurting and broken within?
Overwhelmed by the weight of your sin?
Jesus is calling
Have you come to the end of yourself?
Do you thirst for a drink from the well?
Jesus is calling
O come to the altar
The Father's arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ
Leave behind your regrets and mistakes
Come today, there's no reason to wait
Jesus is calling
Bring your sorrows and trade them for joy
From the ashes, a new life is born
Jesus is calling
O come to the altar
The Father's arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood!...
Oh what a Savior
Isn't He wonderful?
Sing hallelujah, Christ is risen
Bow down before Him
For He is Lord of all
Sing hallelujah, Christ is risen
O come to the altar
The Father's arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ!...
O come to the altar
The Father's arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ!
The Father's arms are open wide
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