In less than 48 hours I went from thinking I wasn't pregnant, to being told I was pregnant. Then I was told I was going to lose it, to waking up from surgery and told it could still be there. Eventually I was informed that it was not viable and was removed during surgery. Of all the things to be emotional about - for me, this was not it. It was shocking, yes, very shocking.
I was so adamant that I was not pregnant walking into that ER. I didn't even have time to wrap my head around it. So the hope, excitement and love had not even formed. Although, when I left the hospital and the hope of still being pregnant was alive within me, finding out of the loss 2 days later, made it very hard. I kind of wish they would have just told me there was no way it was viable so when I started with the blood draws, I wouldn't be so hopeful.
Tuesday, after my 1st blood draw, the thought was that maybe the baby was in my fallopian tube. We had to go back the next day (Wednesday) for another blood draw. I was scared because if the number hadn't fallen, I would have ended back up to the OR to have my fallopian tube removed. That ended up not being the case. On Sunday, my HCG was at 650's, by Tuesday it was in the 70s and by Wednesday it was in the 40s. I will find out tomorrow if my HCG is back to zero.
Wednesday, after finding out the disturbing news that the baby wasn't ever viable in the first place put me at such peace. I was struggling, emotionally, that the baby could have been viable but to know that it didn't even have all the requirements of a baby made this loss . . . manageable. I think that's the word I want to use.
To make it clear to what happened - I experienced a Ruptured Ectopic Ovarian Pregnancy. It was not a cyst after all. The pregnancy location mimicked a cyst but pathology confirmed the blood clot they removed had a few components of a fetus. Not all, but a few
Ovarian Pregnancies happen to 1 in 25,000(+/-) Ectopic pregnancies. Ectopic means "in a non typical location." Most people think Fallopian Tube (which happens to every 1 in 60 pregnancies) when they think Ectopic - when really it means a pregnancy anywhere other than the Uterus. Most OP's are not found until after they've ruptured, which makes them potentially fatal due to internal bleeding . . . Which made my situation that much scarier.
In a medical study, this is what I've found "Ovarian pregnancy refers to an ectopic pregnancy that is located in the ovary. Typically the egg cell is not released or picked up at ovulation but fertilized within the ovary where the pregnancy implants.
Such a pregnancy usually does not proceed past the first 4 weeks of pregnancy. An untreated ovarian pregnancy causes potentially fatal intra-abdominal bleeding and thus may become a medical emergency.
Although it remains one of the rarest forms of ectopic pregnancies, the incidence has been rising, currently estimated to be between .5% and 3%. Ovarian ectopics occur by fertilization of an ovum retained in the peritoneal cavity leading to implantation on the ovarian surface.
Delayed diagnosis of ovarian ectopic pregnancies can be fatal with massive hemorrhage."
WOW!!! I mean WOW!! At one point while in agonizing pain, I rolled over to Matt and told him I felt like my body was dying. And I could have.
What if I really had laid down on the couch from 1:30am until 3am like I told him I was going to?
Or if the pain was on my left side and not my right... Would Matt have woken up and rushed me to the ER?? He thought it was my appendix because it was my right side.
What if.......?
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This is my 4th miscarriage, if this one can even be called a miscarriage.
I think my 2nd miscarriage was the hardest because we had shared with everyone we were pregnant. But we dropped the ball in telling people we lost it. For a few weeks, people were congratulating me on something that still hurt. No fault of their own.
All of my miscarriages were still very sad. It hasn't been easier the more I've had. Although, I still wish I could brush it off and just say, "we will try again another time."
Part of me doesn't want to try again. While in the ER, I cried out to Matt that "I couldn't do this again! I can't keep doing this!" But I find comfort in knowing I can get pregnant if that's what is to happen. Before this fiasco, I assumed it would take months. I'm amazed it only took days.
Regardless, if we do try again, it won't be for a very long time (if I have any say in it;).
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This surgery was my 9th overall surgery I've had in my life. Is that a record??
1. Endometriosis Laproscopy
2. Broke wrist repair.
3. Wisdom Teeth
4. C-Section
5. Abdominal tissue removal
6. Gall Bladder
7. C-Section
8. ACL Knee Surgery.
9. Ectopic Pregnancy Laproscopy.
Yeah, Pretty sure that's a record somewhere. #3 through 9 are all while I've been married to Matt. If I get pregnant again, I'll have to have another cesarian. It think I'm going to tap out my surgeries at 10 so by golly, my appendix better not do anything crazy!
And even in this moment of loss,
I have been filled with so much love.
Matt is a rock. He has joked in the past that he considers himself like a punching bag because he knows he is strong to withstand some hard knocks. And he has - especially being married to me. lolThe first 3 days were too much for me. I knew he wanted to cry with me, and a few times he did. But he stayed calm, even attempting a few witty jokes to ease the pain. A few times I let him know it was too soon, but once I started to cope, it was better to laugh with him.
There was a lot of crying. People have come out of the woodwork to share their grief and convey their hope. Although it was heart breaking, I thank all those who shared their experiences. I cried with those who shared their traumas with me. I cried with those who just wanted to offer their support. It was so very cathartic to cry out the emotional pain with other people.
The visible pain isn't too bad. My incisions are small and will heal well. They scared my kids a little bit and asked me not to show them.
The internal pain has lasted longer. It hurts to move, shift or twist. It also hurts to cough, fart, sneeze and laugh. Whenever I do, my internal organs spasm and quiver which makes my soft, squishy tummy jiggle like jello or look like a scary nightmare scene from Alien - depending on how you view it. I coughed one day and felt a horrible sharp pain just above my belly button. It hurt so bad for days!!
The Oxy prescription only lasted a few days. I tried to not take it because I hate the way it makes me feel and I hate that it's too hard to poop when you're on pain pills. And if you've never been denied a good poop after a surgery, you have no idea what I'm talking about. Don't judge. lol (As I read this to Matt, he laughed and said, "all my poops after your surgeries have been great.)
I'm not as emotional as I was since I have all the facts now. But I'm still sad and occasionally I will cry over how scary it really was.
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I saw my doctor today. (He's truly the best doctor ever!) And the second he sat down, he pointed to Matt, turned to me and said, "I think we can all agree that this is his fault!" I BUSTED UP LAUGHING because just a few days ago I called my sister to tell her that I've come to the conclusion that Matt tried to murder me because there is no possible way I could have done what I did to myself - therefore, he caused this! We all laughed so hard and continued making light of the situation that Matt has eager swimmers or a very very strong force behind his 'ahem' to push those baby makers further than they needed to go!
Then my doctor pulled up the photos.
The first picture, they're holding up my ovary (it's kind of white looking) and a massive blood clot is coming out of it. Uterus to the left. As well as a lot of blood pooling.
This 2nd picture is the same ovary. Uterus to the left, fallopian tube to the right. The blood clot was removed but my ovary is still spilling out a lot of blood.
This 3rd picture is the ovary after it had been cauterized to stop the bleeding.
He proceeded to explain what a future pregnancy experience will look like for us if we choose to try again. It includes a lot of monitoring and a lot of blood draws. Apparently ectopic pregnancies are more likely to happen again when you've already had one.
Doctor checked out my incisions and agreed that everything looked good so they led me out to have my blood drawn again. I should hear back from them tomorrow!! If my numbers are good, I will update this post. If they are not, then I don't know what I'll do. Go cry in a corner maybe?
Basically, I'm an anomaly. I'm a walking, talking Murphy's Law. Whatever bad can happen, will happen. Can nothing more happen for the rest of the year, please!!??
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