At a Loss .....

This post was intended to share the good news of expecting but over a short span of less than a week, it has turned into written memories of our miscarriage. 

*FRIDAY July 30, 2014*

I'm writing this as a draft, and will post it when we have finally announced to our families of the special news ----- We are welcoming baby #2 - April, 2015!

I'm still in shock and awe. This morning, I took a picture of a positive pregnancy test and sent it to Matt via text. He knew I was going to take it eventually.  I've been holding off because the 3 tests I took the previous week were negative. The 2nd line to confirm was so faint that I just couldn't tell and I wanted his opinion.

As of right now, I feel normal. My sense of smell is a little heightened making it hard to change Zj's diapers. But I'm not sick so that's a plus. There really aren't many ‘signs’ of being pregnant like I had with Zeplin.
I remember craving Taco Bell so bad before I confirmed I was pregnant with him and I knew that was weird because I hate Taco Bell - sure enough - bam - baby in the belly. :)
This time, nothing at all besides the handful of double lined pee sticks to confirm.

I've had some tugging and pulling feelings inside but that's normal of course. I had some dark spotting that really scared me, so we did some online research which said as long it's not a lot and bright red accompanied by cramps then everything should be okay. (TMI - Yes but this is my journal.... I want to remember these things)
I still find myself in tears and on my knees - afraid that something is wrong. Comfort is sometimes hard to come by when my anxiety and hormones kick in. 
We're staying positive and maybe I'll get lucky and have a wonderful pregnancy this time ---------> I better go knock on wood.

I already scheduled my appointment for August 21st. I will be 8 weeks then. We chose St. Lukes - Downtown this time, because it's close to Matt's work. We are going to see Dirk Carlson. His name kept popping up all over the place when I was pregnant with Zj -  I decided a long time ago he was going to be our doctor for the next one..
We have lots of questions for him and I'm glad we have a few weeks to sort them out.

My goals are to stay as healthy as possible using Essential Oils. My pregnancy with Zj was a concern because of high blood pressure which I'm going to combat with Cypress and Marjoram.
I hear babies are usually bigger with each pregnancy so I'm going to anticipate another 10lb baby. I will not be entertaining the thought of a vbac and will just have another c-section.
I'm going to attempt cutting sugar down to minimize the risk of another candida infection post-op.
Hahaha - I say all this now but I guess we will just wait and see how it goes huh??


*SATURDAY: AUGUST 2, 2014*
Well, we really wanted to wait until my ultrasound to tell everyone but in just a two days, I've become nauseas and plagued with migraines. They've hurt so bad and completely debilitated me. I know I can't keep this a secret from my family here for long or hide my sickness with a trip to the coast with 15+ of Matt's family. Plus, I've been worrying my mom with my chronic insomnia for the last 3 months .... and if anything happens to me or the baby, I want her to know.
Less than a handful of my friends and almost all of my siblings know right now. I told Melissa first because I had confided in her when she was here of how desperately I wanted another baby. (Not that it was a secret...)
I called my dad tonight and invited him to bring mom over to our house for dinner Sunday. When he tried to decline, I told him I was pregnant and he laughed his big joyous laugh and said he was so happy for me!! It made me smile. I explained to him of my plans to announce it to mom and he said he would make it happen.

I had some grand ideas for telling everyone but nothing got past a text message to them. Robert sent me a cute video of him and his family saying congratulations. Everyone else has been super happy for us! Can't wait to tell my mom tomorrow!


*SUNDAY: AUGUST 3, 2014*

First thing this morning, I took some pictures of Zj, upset with me for not taking him out of his crib, standing next to his ‘Eviction Notice’. The big alligator tears really put a nice effect on it!

We took a family trip to Carters in hunt of a BIG BROTHER shirt this morning. With luck, we found the perfect one......
The rest of the day was normal. We finished some shopping and put Zeplin down for his nap around 1:30pm and let him sleep while we waited for my parents. I was anxious, but when Zeplin ‘woke up’, I followed my mom to his room, camera in hand and waited for our message to sink in.

I think she caught on rather quickly - Not. It took my dad, Matt and myself to tell her to turn back around and look at the chalkboard on the crib.

Mom pulled ZJ from his crib without even noticing the surprise.
This was her “What are you all taking pictures of and laughing at?” 

... Wait for it.... Wait for it..... 

“Are you serious!!?”

“YAY!!!!”

We wish they could have stayed longer but they needed to take Wayne to work so they had to leave right after dessert.

Shortly after they left, we went to Elks Rehab to see Lyle and break the news to him. Randon rode over with us and even after taking ZJ out of the car, he never even noticed the BIG BROTHER shirt.
Nobody did. Matt had to pick Zeplin up and point out his shirt and even then, Lyle didn't grasp the concept until Tami explained it to him. But he was so happy when it clicked. :)

We took Randon home and Jeremy was there to catch the good news. 

We called Melanie (Matt's mom) while we were there and told her. I can't say I've ever heard so much excitement from her voice in the years I've known her. 

We've been trickling the news to a few other close friends and loved ones since then. 

I'm nervous and excited to start this new chapter in our lives. I'll probably address all my feelings as they come up in the future. For now, I'm just focusing on coming down from the reality of everything!

*MONDAY August 4, 2014*

I made a quick, ‘just to be sure’, call into our doctor's office about the spotting and mild cramping. The nurse was so kind (all of them have been) and we talked about the possibilities. She suggested coming in for some blood work to test my HCG levels. After I talked it over with Matt and brought to his attention of our upcoming vacation, he agreed that it's better we know now than later (while in another state) if something is amiss. 

Around 10am, I went in and they drew my blood. My old friend's mom, Carmen Hartley, was at the front desk and it was a pleasant surprise to see her and nice to see a familiar face. Matt came with me incase they were going to be able to test my blood immediately. Unfortunately, they were not able to and I had to wait until late in the afternoon before I finally heard back. I was a nervous nerd all day, so I ended up calling them around 3:30pm.

4pm, we got the call and I could tell it wasn't great. 

My HCG levels are low. It could mean a number of different things - maybe I'm just not as far along as we thought, or I could indeed be experiencing a miscarriage. I have to wait until Wednesday to go in and have my levels checked again. From my research, HCG should be increasing drastically daily through the first 10 weeks. By Wednesday, they should be able to know the outcome.

An hour later, I saw my first trace of bright blood. I think I knew what was happening without having to ask. I called Matt. He rushed out of work, picked up Zj and came home. Zeplin, my little ball of sunshine and love, climbed up on the bed with me, laid on his tummy with his hands under his chin and told me about his last day. It was adorable and really brought a smile to my face, although my heart was hurting so badly. 

Adam came over to get Zj so Matt and I could be alone. 

I laid in bed and cried with Matt's arms around me. I took a sleeping pill because I knew I would never get some sleep with all the thoughts running through my head. 

I continued to lightly bleed throughout the rest of the evening.

*TUESDAY August 5, 2014*  

I called the nurse - after the miscarriage was successful first thing this morning. Matt stayed home to make sure I woke up fine and could take care of Zj. He had to host a meeting with another state at 10pm and will come home right after. (To make things hard, Matt's dad is going through complications with his surgery 2 weeks ago and is headed back to surgery. Matt's whole family is coming to town.) 

The nurse called me back and apologized. She explained to me what to expect this time and still wants me to come in Wednesday and test that my HCG levels have gone back to zero. 

I've been cramping and bleeding all day. The certainty of this being a successful miscarriage is high and I'm sure they won't tell me otherwise tomorrow. 

Matt and I have already told those friends & family of the change. That was the hardest part for me. Everyone was so kind, sending me messages of love and support.

 Looking back, I would have rather just kept it to myself but I'm thankful to have the support and love of friends and family.

I'm lucky to have Matt to share my sadness to and with - even if it's not the same degree. 

He told me last night that when he saw the double pink lines on the pregnancy test, was when he knew he was ready to have another child. I still think I'm ready - I wish my body would agree with us. 

*WEDNESDAY August 6, 2014*

We spent most of the day in Boise. Zj and I picked Matt up so we could do our final blood work and cancel what would have been my first appointment. My bleeding is not as heavy anymore (but much heavier than any period I've ever had). My pain never made it past a ‘5’ yesterday. Most of the pain was in my back right now. 

I waited until the afternoon when my nurse called to report the blood work. 

My levels were significantly lower this time. She said to just anticipate this bleeding to last at least a week or even two.

Flowers from Nichole and Brooke.

They still want me to have my appointment in 2 weeks - Just to make sure I'm okay and talk to me about what happened. 

****************************

I'm not sure how I'm really feeling right now, obviously I feel sadness because we have been wanting another baby for almost a year. But I feel glad - we can get pregnant. I've been concerned about that. 

The best word I can describe right now is... numb. I feel numb. My mind thinks I'm pregnant but my heart knows I'm not so I'm disconnected. 

I haven't felt loss physically - like when you have something or someone you have held. And I'm not in a state of grieving - although - I feel the need to cry when people ask how I'm doing. 

My sadness stems from a loss of hope/excitement & largely, to do with a loss of hormones. 

I feel a little sadness when I see pregnant mothers but I smile because I still have my beautiful son. 

He is perfect and I will hold him ever so tightly. I'm not at a complete loss. 

I have them, my two handsome, perfect, wonderful men.