Never as a young adult did I think I would be someone who said, "I suffer from anxiety." It's annoying, it's embarrassing but unfortunately, unavoidable now. It is what it is.
The day I experienced my first attack was the day I brought my daughter home. I was euphoric being post pardum with Zeplin, so I thought it would be the same that Friday evening, but for some reason, I found myself 'dying' on February 26, 2016. I was so hysterical that I scared my 3yr old and he locked himself in his room. Matt was desperate to help me that he called my mother and she drove all the way back from Nampa to take care of my new daughter. My brother in law, Adam, came over to give me a blessing and be supportive for my family.I was struggling to breathe. I remember Matt holding my hands and my mother rubbing my face as I gasped for air, looking for a way out of my distress through the ocean of water brimming over my eyes.
Now imagine that scene happening, without my extended family, every night for 3 months straight. It didn't matter where I was at, what was on my mind or how happy I was in that moment. As soon as the light turned off to go to bed, I lost myself, so to speak.
Until I found Jesus during them ......
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
For the past 2 years, my anxiety attacks still come, but I've learned how to let them go. Sometimes it's provoked and other times, it's a punch to my gut out of thin air.
Coming through them takes time.... sometimes it's just minutes, focusing on my breathing and saying a prayer, and other times, it's hours. I just cry, put ice on my forehead, lay in a dark room, pray and listen to songs of worship to remind me of Jesus and that He died for me so I could come out of my ailment and move forward.
Over the past few months, I've been able to see my anxiety as a blessing. When in those moments, I am always brought back to Jesus and His love for me. He brings things into perspective. I am no longer a prisoner to this. Although, I still have to suffer through these moments, they are just that - moments and they will pass. BECAUSE OF HIM! It is through my brokenness that He can give me new breath to praise Him and thank Him for new days, new moments, new seasons and new life!
Throw out the impulse, for a moment, to criticize the 'your wording is wrong,' 'doctrine disputes' and the 'who's religion is right' and just find peace is Jesus' sacrifice for everyone. Jesus is my saving grace - every time. It is my testimony that He is our Savior and Redeemer. He is my best friend and I can find Him always in my children's hearts, in my husbands tenderness and in my daily life. He is and will always be the Son of our Almighty God brought to this earth so we don't have to live in our sin. We can find mercy through His sacrifice and peace through His love.
Thank you, Jesus, for giving your life so mine and my families could be saved!
Take this fainted heart
Take these tainted hands
Wash me in your love
Come like grace again
Take these tainted hands
Wash me in your love
Come like grace again
Even when my strength is lost
I'll praise you
Even when I have no song
I'll praise you
Even when it's hard to find the words
Louder then I'll sing your praise
I'll praise you
Even when I have no song
I'll praise you
Even when it's hard to find the words
Louder then I'll sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again
Even when the fight seems lost
I'll praise you
Even when it hurts like hell
I'll praise you
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I'll sing your praise
I'll praise you
Even when it hurts like hell
I'll praise you
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I'll sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
And my heart burns only for you
You are all you are all I want
And my soul waits only for you
And I will sing till the morning has come
You are all you are all I want
And my soul waits only for you
And I will sing till the morning has come
So Will I (100 Billion X) Lyrics
God of creation
There at the start
Before the beginning of time
With no point of reference
You spoke to the dark
And fleshed out the wonder of light
And as You speak
A hundred billion galaxies are born
In the vapor of Your breath the planets form
If the stars were made to worship so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You’ve made
Every burning star
A signal fire of grace
If creation sings Your praises so will I
God of Your promise
You don’t speak in vain
No syllable empty or void
For once You have spoken
All nature and science
Follow the sound of Your voice
And as You speak
A hundred billion creatures catch Your breath
Evolving in pursuit of what You said
If it all reveals Your nature so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You say
Every painted sky
A canvas of Your grace
If creation still obeys You so will I
So will I
So will I
If the stars were made to worship so will I
If the mountains bow in reverence so will I
If the oceans roar Your greatness so will I
For if everything exists to lift You high so will I
If the wind goes where You send it so will I
If the rocks cry out in silence so will I
If the sum of all our praises still falls shy
Then we’ll sing again a hundred billion times
God of salvation
You chased down my heart
Through all of my failure and pride
On a hill You created
The light of the world
Abandoned in darkness to die
And as You speak
A hundred billion failures disappear
Where You lost Your life so I could find it here
If You left the grave behind You so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You’ve done
Every part designed in a work of art called love
If You gladly chose surrender so will I
I can see Your heart
Eight billion different ways
Every precious one
A child You died to save
If You gave Your life to love them so will I
Like You would again a hundred billion times
But what measure could amount to Your desire
You’re the One who never leaves the one behind
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