8/28. I'm a day late. I figured I'd be having signs of starting by now. I stopped by Fred Meyers to get some things and grabbed a Pregnancy Test. I know I should have waited until the morning to take it but I took it when I got home. Immediately looking at it, it was negative. But of course, wait 2 minutes right? POSITIVE. Very faint positive.
I emailed my doctor to see if I could get in to take a blood test. They emailed me back to come in asap for a blood draw.
8/29. Again, I probably should have waited another day or two but I woke up and took the 2nd test. And sure enough, Positive.
This time, Matt came in after I took it to look at it. I heard him say, "Yup, there's definitely a plus sign. I'm moving to Mexico. I need a better name than Matt Clark. Maybe El Guapo." hahaha! The funniest part is I've been craving Fiesta Chicken's Chipotle Chicken Tacos EVERY SINGLE DAY!! I'm drooling now thinking about it!
This time, Matt came in after I took it to look at it. I heard him say, "Yup, there's definitely a plus sign. I'm moving to Mexico. I need a better name than Matt Clark. Maybe El Guapo." hahaha! The funniest part is I've been craving Fiesta Chicken's Chipotle Chicken Tacos EVERY SINGLE DAY!! I'm drooling now thinking about it!
I'm feeling weird. Apathetic maybe? I'm just waiting. Waiting to confirm it? Waiting to lose it? This is my 7th pregnancy. I had an overwhelming memory of my ectopic pregnancy which I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.
I prayed, instead, and told God to take this pregnancy and use it however He sees fit. Take my life and use it. I felt comforted. I know this comfort is to be okay with whatever the outcome is, but regardless, I know I'm in good Hands. His Hands.
1pm. I got the call from my nurse. I'm pregnant. Very, very, early pregnant. I called Matt immediately and started to cry. Matt is feeling so ecstatic but also apprehensive. He's fearful, as am I. We've suffered so many losses. My heart hurts to think of another. I reminded Matt that when we were losing the others, I knew and then my body confirmed it. With Arrowlyn, I knew I was going to have her. And this, time, I'm feeling similar. But it's still too early to tell and I'm still scared. Because I am high risk with my losses and my ectopic pregnancy, I will start 48 hour blood draws on Monday. I'm thankful for a doctor who can guide me through this process.
I'm praying so hard.
"Oh Father. I know you know the words of my heart before I can even form them in my mouth. My heart is heavy with fear. Please lift it up and teether it to you. You have given me patience in your timing and comfort in my sufferings. I need you now and forever.
Thank you, God, for protecting me, preserving me and preparing me for Your plans. You have been faithful when I have not. Please help my unbelief. I trust Your promise and Your plan to prosper us and not harm - Your plans to give hope and a future. I give You this pregnancy to glorify You and Your love. If it is Your will, please allow this pregnancy to continue.
In Jesus' holy name, Amen. "
All weekend Matt and I talked about the possibility of telling friends and family. Part of me wanted to so we could have a support group to rally around us. But, then again, I didn't want anyone to know because the thought of sharing with everyone in a magical way was super enticing. I also didn't want to have to tell a lot of people we lost it if we did.
We told the kids right away. Arrowlyn has already forgotten. But, randomly she will ask me if there is still a baby in my belly. Zeplin has been above the moon. He said, "If it's a boy, I'll be so excited that I'll scream. But if it's a girl, I'll still be excited but not as much." I laughed pretty hard. He's doing a good job of keeping it a secret.
We talked about names and a nursery. We fantasied over our family dynamics and adventures. I conjured up ideas of having a cute baby belly.I have few symptoms. Mainly some tugging and tightening in my lower tummy.
(9/1) We decided to start letting people know. We took a thing of brownies to Jeremy and Randon. I wrote, "Eat up! My mom can't be the only person getting fat this winter." Then I drew 3 babies. Jeremy read it and started to laugh, saying, "Yeah that's all we need is to get fatter." I told him to read it again. His eyes got huge and he said, "oh Sh*t. No way!?" And gave me a big hug! It was the best reaction.
I started texting all my siblings, asking them to do me a favor and buy cookies then eat them all so I would be alone on getting fat this year. They all laughed and congratulated me. I went to bed above the moon.
1pm. I got the call from my nurse. I'm pregnant. Very, very, early pregnant. I called Matt immediately and started to cry. Matt is feeling so ecstatic but also apprehensive. He's fearful, as am I. We've suffered so many losses. My heart hurts to think of another. I reminded Matt that when we were losing the others, I knew and then my body confirmed it. With Arrowlyn, I knew I was going to have her. And this, time, I'm feeling similar. But it's still too early to tell and I'm still scared. Because I am high risk with my losses and my ectopic pregnancy, I will start 48 hour blood draws on Monday. I'm thankful for a doctor who can guide me through this process.I'm praying so hard.
"Oh Father. I know you know the words of my heart before I can even form them in my mouth. My heart is heavy with fear. Please lift it up and teether it to you. You have given me patience in your timing and comfort in my sufferings. I need you now and forever.
Thank you, God, for protecting me, preserving me and preparing me for Your plans. You have been faithful when I have not. Please help my unbelief. I trust Your promise and Your plan to prosper us and not harm - Your plans to give hope and a future. I give You this pregnancy to glorify You and Your love. If it is Your will, please allow this pregnancy to continue.
In Jesus' holy name, Amen. "
All weekend Matt and I talked about the possibility of telling friends and family. Part of me wanted to so we could have a support group to rally around us. But, then again, I didn't want anyone to know because the thought of sharing with everyone in a magical way was super enticing. I also didn't want to have to tell a lot of people we lost it if we did.
We told the kids right away. Arrowlyn has already forgotten. But, randomly she will ask me if there is still a baby in my belly. Zeplin has been above the moon. He said, "If it's a boy, I'll be so excited that I'll scream. But if it's a girl, I'll still be excited but not as much." I laughed pretty hard. He's doing a good job of keeping it a secret.
We talked about names and a nursery. We fantasied over our family dynamics and adventures. I conjured up ideas of having a cute baby belly.I have few symptoms. Mainly some tugging and tightening in my lower tummy.
(9/1) We decided to start letting people know. We took a thing of brownies to Jeremy and Randon. I wrote, "Eat up! My mom can't be the only person getting fat this winter." Then I drew 3 babies. Jeremy read it and started to laugh, saying, "Yeah that's all we need is to get fatter." I told him to read it again. His eyes got huge and he said, "oh Sh*t. No way!?" And gave me a big hug! It was the best reaction.
I started texting all my siblings, asking them to do me a favor and buy cookies then eat them all so I would be alone on getting fat this year. They all laughed and congratulated me. I went to bed above the moon.
(9/2) Monday morning, I headed over to the Meridian Hospital for my blood draw with my mom. She had brought over doughnuts so we used the same catch phrase and spilled the beans to her. It took her a bit to catch on but she was so happy for us!
The hospital visit took awhile and the nurse butchered my vein. I have a massive bruise and red blood pocket from whatever she did.
I took my mom to see Aladdin but while we were there, I started to get a tummy ache. I blamed it on the popcorn and quit eating it. When I went to the bathroom, I saw my first trace of blood. I started to hyperventilate and immediately text Matt. I tried to keep myself together and remind myself that God has it all under control. He will do what is best for us!! I also knew I had implantation bleeding with Zeplin and Arrowlyn so that eased me a bit.
I didn't tell my mom. We finished the movie and went home. I went to my room and laid down for the next hour until we had to leave again. I cried and cried. We had just gotten some sad news earlier in the day so it was very cathartic to release some sadness and anxiety.
I was spotting, just a tiny bit, throughout the rest of the evening (only when I wiped). We were having dinner at Jessicas and I was feeling emotional. But then Matt said, "Well, Eat up everyone. My wife can't be the only one who gets fat this winter." and Robert pipes up "Whoah, that was so rude!!" and I about died laughing!! I couldn't stop laughing! So Robert looks back and forth between Matt and I and says, "Unless that was a reveal???" We both started to shaking our heads and laughed. Everyone, including the girls, were so excited.
Once home that night, I laid in the tub and spent the night praying. I was reminded that many people won't understand my anxiety and heartache. 7 pregnancies, 4 losses (1 ectopic), 2 children. The prayers of my friends and family opened up a space for Jesus to remind me that He knew my heartache. He knew my fear and anxiety. He lifted my heart to Him to care for while my body works through this change. I never spotted again from the time we left Jessica's house, through the night or even into the next morning.
(9/3) God gave me patience that morning until I got my results. I was busy as I bustled around the house cleaning messes, getting Zeplin ready for school and doing some transaction work. My email dinged and it was a message with my test results.
The hospital visit took awhile and the nurse butchered my vein. I have a massive bruise and red blood pocket from whatever she did.
I took my mom to see Aladdin but while we were there, I started to get a tummy ache. I blamed it on the popcorn and quit eating it. When I went to the bathroom, I saw my first trace of blood. I started to hyperventilate and immediately text Matt. I tried to keep myself together and remind myself that God has it all under control. He will do what is best for us!! I also knew I had implantation bleeding with Zeplin and Arrowlyn so that eased me a bit.
I didn't tell my mom. We finished the movie and went home. I went to my room and laid down for the next hour until we had to leave again. I cried and cried. We had just gotten some sad news earlier in the day so it was very cathartic to release some sadness and anxiety.
I was spotting, just a tiny bit, throughout the rest of the evening (only when I wiped). We were having dinner at Jessicas and I was feeling emotional. But then Matt said, "Well, Eat up everyone. My wife can't be the only one who gets fat this winter." and Robert pipes up "Whoah, that was so rude!!" and I about died laughing!! I couldn't stop laughing! So Robert looks back and forth between Matt and I and says, "Unless that was a reveal???" We both started to shaking our heads and laughed. Everyone, including the girls, were so excited.
Once home that night, I laid in the tub and spent the night praying. I was reminded that many people won't understand my anxiety and heartache. 7 pregnancies, 4 losses (1 ectopic), 2 children. The prayers of my friends and family opened up a space for Jesus to remind me that He knew my heartache. He knew my fear and anxiety. He lifted my heart to Him to care for while my body works through this change. I never spotted again from the time we left Jessica's house, through the night or even into the next morning.
(9/3) God gave me patience that morning until I got my results. I was busy as I bustled around the house cleaning messes, getting Zeplin ready for school and doing some transaction work. My email dinged and it was a message with my test results.
I was not prepared because my hope was too high that when I saw my numbers, I died inside. It's a familiar pain but still hard to cope with.
I cried through the morning, trying really hard to hide it from my kids. Zeplin was so tender with me as he asked me how he can help me and if I wanted to talk to him about why I was crying. He even called his daddy during his recess, saying, "Dad, mom was crying this morning. She was trying not to let me see her. Is she okay?" When Matt told him I wasn't okay but I will be and we will talk with him about it when he gets home, he said, "She doesn't have a baby in her tummy anymore huh??"
Matt picked him up from school and they talked about it. He was very upset and worried about me.
God turned me to a book called Anxious for Nothing by Max Lucado, last night and something I read really resonated with me.... CALM - Phillipians 4:4-8
C - Celebrate God's Goodness. (Rejoice in the Lord Always Phil 4:4)
A - Ask for God's help. (Let your requests be made known to God. v.6)
L - Leave your concerns with Him.. (with thanksgiving. v.6)
M - Meditate on Good Things. (Think about the things are good and worthy of praise. v.8)
Thank you, God, for giving me peace, and love. Even for the short time we were able to feel the emotions that come with new life. I know that You give life and You take away sorrow. It's in Your glory. Your understanding is higher than my understanding and Your ways are greater than mine. I do not understand it now but I know You are faithful to reveal Yourself to me in my grief and mourning. You are sovereign over us and You will take this moment and turn it into something good. I kneel to Your will and Your ways.
Thank you, Lord, for loving us.
I cried through the morning, trying really hard to hide it from my kids. Zeplin was so tender with me as he asked me how he can help me and if I wanted to talk to him about why I was crying. He even called his daddy during his recess, saying, "Dad, mom was crying this morning. She was trying not to let me see her. Is she okay?" When Matt told him I wasn't okay but I will be and we will talk with him about it when he gets home, he said, "She doesn't have a baby in her tummy anymore huh??"
Matt picked him up from school and they talked about it. He was very upset and worried about me.
God turned me to a book called Anxious for Nothing by Max Lucado, last night and something I read really resonated with me.... CALM - Phillipians 4:4-8
C - Celebrate God's Goodness. (Rejoice in the Lord Always Phil 4:4)
A - Ask for God's help. (Let your requests be made known to God. v.6)
L - Leave your concerns with Him.. (with thanksgiving. v.6)
M - Meditate on Good Things. (Think about the things are good and worthy of praise. v.8)
Thank you, God, for giving me peace, and love. Even for the short time we were able to feel the emotions that come with new life. I know that You give life and You take away sorrow. It's in Your glory. Your understanding is higher than my understanding and Your ways are greater than mine. I do not understand it now but I know You are faithful to reveal Yourself to me in my grief and mourning. You are sovereign over us and You will take this moment and turn it into something good. I kneel to Your will and Your ways.
Thank you, Lord, for loving us.
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