In the beginning of this strained relationship, I thought I was really angry with something she said about Matt and I.
Wouldn't you be angry if someone you barely knew was questioning you as a parent? Or as a spouse? Or any role that you cherished above all other roles on earth? Or talked bad about someone you love??
As I realized that anger really wasn't my initial emotion and it was actually a reaction to truly just feeling hurt, I wanted to heal.
I forgave her.
Since the relationship was new, although already rocky, we resolved to push aside our feelings and try to get to know her.Over the next couple years, even in spite of all the information we heard about her & her family, we invited them into to our home. We included them on conversations, fed them, and attempted to initiate activities to include them.... But as time went on, it became more apparent that we were never going to be on her VIP list and that our time spent together was more of an obligation to her husband and less of an attempt to get to know our family. Unfortunately, during this time, we were also included in a private conversation regarding her family that put their moral sensitivity and logical protection of others into question.
My hurt evolved into outward contempt. I started to not care about her and their feelings. Hate consumed my feelings for them. Even the sound of their names made my heart race and blood boil. I started to get mouthy, when family would talk about their baby, commenting "I wouldn't know. I haven't seen them in months." It was all in an effort to protect my heart from further hurt.
More stories came out about things she was saying and the gatherings became less and less. It was to the point where all Matt and I were hearing were her opinions to why she wants nothing to do with us and her open refusal to be in our presence confirmed it. It became more apparent that her bias to us was based on her interpretation of her religion and our outward expression to not be apart of it.
It all came to a head, recently, when I found out she was talking about us to someone, not yet in our family, and whom we had yet to really get to know. "Well, from what she's told me about the situation......" the new person said. I boiled over with outward aggression and tears. I felt robbed of getting to know this potentially new friend without an outside influence and vice versa.
I called a friend at church and poured out my heart.
"Why would she say such horrible things about our family?""I want to love her but I don't know how at this point!"
"I feel insane to ever think that we could be friends and for trying to include her in our lives."
"How do we navigate a future relationship for our children?"
"What do boundaries look like within a strained family relationship?"
And we jumped into the Bible.
We discussed how it's possible that we can show love to the unlovable.
How we can accept God's grace in our sin to offer it to others in theirs?
We talked about boundaries and how it can be very healing to create distance or limit the interactions. It's not because we hate them, but because our relationship can be salvageable, God willing, but sometimes it's best to not try to force it.
I cried through our discussion concerning the children and considered their tiny lives. They grew up loving a handful of these people that I now have to say, "Sorry kids. I'm protecting you & our family from further hurt and disappointment because of one persons ignorance. You don't understand it right now but while we navigate this relationship, we need distance from these people that you grew up loving, long before this person and the issues came into the picture."
We sat in prayer for some time. And it wasn't immediate but over the next couple days, as I continued the prayer we started, God began to reveal Himself and His intentions for this future relationship in little ways and it started with my heart issue. I allowed what she said of me to effect my character instead of what God says of me. I also allowed myself to think that my opinion of her was truth.
God opened my mind to the reality that although we don't need to love their preferences, we need to love the person. Just because they don't parent the way we think they should or their marriage isn't what we would do in our marriage, doesn't give us a right to reflect our opinions on the person. As this truth was made, I could see it change my heart to how I felt about what she said regarding me and my family.
Just because I don't parent my children the way she would, doesn't make me a bad mom.
Or because my husband isn't what she would deem 'worthy,' doesn't make him creepy or a bad husband.
Just because my house is old doesn't make it unlivable.
Or because my son will not be getting baptized at 8 years old doesn't make his devotion to Jesus less acceptable.
What it all boils down to is that We love the Lord. We love our family which is probably why this has been most painful. We want to love the unlovable because He first loved us but we are sinful by nature, which makes this is difficult. Our interactions with others is hard but with God, we can look past their preferences and look at the people. God looks past us and into our hearts. All I want is for people to look past me and see Jesus.
"God, you are so great! Love is Your nature and You show us how You love explicitly, unable to withhold it from us. I fail at loving myself and others most days. I am selfish to be understood and need You to help me understand. I believe in Your power, Your grace and know You are sovereign over every relationship in my life. In this time, as much as it hurts, please strip me down of my pride and anger. You've exposed my heart & it's tendency to look to others for validation and my failure to turn to Your Word instead. Hosanna!
Thank you for saving me. Thank you for covering me as a hen covers her babies with her wing. I give this relationship to you to work it out for your benefit and Your glory."
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