Grief is not a problem to fix but an experience to live. (and boy am I living it...)
I read a great quote by Nicole Kidman yesterday, "There is no limit on grief, you don't have to have a time limit on it, you don't have to be all better by this time. You're allowed to pass through in waves ..... but it's my mama, my life, and I'm allowed to process and grieve in the way I want to."
Although it's only been a few months since my momma passed, it still feels like it just happened and the grief will overcome me during odd moments.
I felt it just before Arrow's 10th birthday when Arrow spiked a 105 fever. I wanted my mom. I wanted to call her and hear her voice, telling me what to do. My mom always showed up when my kids were sick. They would cling to her on the couch. It took a few days to get Arrow's fever under control but that feeling of just wanting my mom, never went away. The grief grew and grew to where I was bawling my eyes out almost all once it broke.
"I just want my Momma"
Having only a little time to process this wave, because this wasn't the first wave of grief and it won't be the last, I realized it will probably be good for me to write out my feelings as the waves crash in. I recognize that feelings are fickle but I need to remember that I am allowed to grieve the way I want do and without limits.
"I just want MY momma"
No matter how much I wished that our family could be close; it just isn't so. It feels as lonely as it was when I was just a teenage girl wishing my siblings would come home. But Mom never let me feel lonely. She went to every event of mine and was an ever present smile & comfort. She was so loving and inviting.
"I just miss my mom!"
I was able to enjoy just about every Easter with my mom since I was . I have so many beautiful memories of dinner and games. But this Easter was emotional. We didn't have a family dinner. We didn't even see a single family member all day.
"I just WANT my mom!"
I have been living this grief a lot through social media. My feed algorithm is filled with messages about grief, death and sadness but the hardest quote I read was. "It's okay to grieve the life you thought you would have." And that quote send me spiraling - mostly for my children! My mom was such a present and active grandmother. She loved to take the kids shopping, hiking, to the movies or playgrounds. Her love for my children was tangible & present. My kids' love language is quality time. They just want to be known and loved. And she was all they had in a grandparent. Matt's mom has nothing to do with them except for the occasional Christmas drop off. Matt's father is still in a nursing home but the last time we brought the kids over, he was preoccupied with emailing his wife that he didn't even look at us. My dad tries but usually falls short due to his narcissistic tendencies to only care that all of us make him feel special instead of him making his grandkids feel special. It's best described as "You're so lucky I'm your grandfather; Look what I got you..." vs "I'm so lucky to have such wonderful grandchildren."
"I want my children's grandmother back!"
This trickles into the grief I'm going through for my brother, Robert. He was such a wonderful uncle and brother prior to his disease. He loved my kiddos and I'm sad for them to not have any memories of him. I show videos and talk about him often but they just don't remember. He was a good brother to me & Matt. Matt considered him a better brother than his own brothers. Roberts last conversation with my brother was full of praise to how much he loved Matt. I'm so glad he could have that memory.
"I miss my brother & my kids' uncle"
I know that this grief will not feel so heavy or seem so noisy. But I just really miss them.
I miss them for different reasons & at different times. I never want to stop missing them.
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