Tears, Smiles and Alligators

This past week has been nothing short of emotional and stressful yet somewhat rewarding.

I've been having a really hard time going to work. A fellow co-worker asked me last night if it's because I don't like my job - and that's entirely not it. I love my job. I talk about how much I love my job to everyone! I'm just so tired and stressed. My depression doesn't help much. Nor the fact that I have to take sleeping pills to pass out each night otherwise I'll just drown myself in my tears.
So, When I'm at work, I try to make it my "get-a-way" from my persistent weeping tear ducts. But my patience runs thin about halfway through the morning. Yet, I still manage to keep my tears at bay.

On Tuesday, after Jim, Angie, (my managers), and Hillary, Bethany, (team managers), had their weekly meeting - Jim came up to me and asked if I had lunch plans for the day. I was caught off guard - bug eyed, I looked at him and said no. I was then an instant wreck. I sat down next to my team leader and cried for about 5 minutes wondering why they were taking ME to lunch! She just kept smiling saying it was okay, they just wanted to talk to me and see how I was doing.
I felt better once I got in the truck with Jim and Angie. And didn't cry the whole lunch break. They didn't even know I had a break down with Hillary just moments before.
Jim said that on Monday he asked me about 3 times how I was doing and I would say, "I'm fine." or "I'm okay." I remember him asking me and I remember trying to just stay focused because I was in the drive through - but I also remember trying to keep my emotions in check - so I avoided opening up to what I was really feeling - FRUSTRATED AND STRESSED!!
I would pay a lot of money for an on/off switch to my emotions sometimes!!
Jim and Angie were concerned because they remember me as the very happy, vibrant, and enthused girl from the summer. They wanted to let me know that I wasn't forgotten. We hired 4 new people, who I admire dearly and enjoy getting to know, but secretly, I did feel little swept under the rug. Yet, I was happy because I was no longer the underdog and I was learning so much! I had been given an opportunity now to dabble my fingers in other projects and learn more about different areas within the bank. And even knew that I could potentially be one step closer to becoming a banker someday!
The lunch appointment ended well. With no tears and lots of smiles afterwards, we headed back.
I felt a renewed sense of self in the work field.

Then Wednesday rolled around and some changes were made. We all switched teller stations. I got the station closest to the entrance and kind of hidden next to the wall. I asked for it about a month ago because it had soooo much more light!! My old station was dark!! But I got a new teller buddy. Curtis. He's also my drive-through buddy on Monday's.

During a down moment, he leaned over our separating counter and says, "What will it take to make your eyes smile, Dessa?" My eyes immediately teared up and I looked away, shrugging my shoulders.
He continued "I see your mouth smiling but your eyes are so sad."
I thought, Oh great! Another confirmation to how bad a faker I am!
"What can I do to help your eyes smile?"
My tears stayed right on the brim of my eyes when I said, "I don't know. This is just something I'm going through. I'm sorry that you have to see me like this. I'm usually a very happy person. I just have a lot going on."

I never stopped thinking about his question. "What will make my eyes smile?" I still don't have the answer. But I've made it a challenge to figure it out.

I finally made it through Wednesday and Thursday. Friday came and I woke up in smiles!!! I had the day off and it was beautiful outside!
Mr. Tedd and I made a full day of it. We started at my parents and cleaned out my rodeo. Then took off to Lake Lowell. My baby boy and I had a blast running 5 miles along the lake, watching the birds fly above us and the sounds of the leave crunching under our feet. And occasionally the mud squishing under our feet.
I couldn't help but smile a few times.

1. When I saw Mr. Tedd's feet squished into the mud.
 It reminded me of the time at the lake-almost exactly a year ago-*shortly after the divorce though* We were walking by the water, Tedd ran ahead of me and I looked next to my feet and saw his little puppy paws next to my footprints. I started to cry as I remembed the poem, Footprints in the Sand. And I remember thinking, "I would give anything to have my Savior's footprints right next to mine and Tedd's as we walk this path together."

2. Then I saw 2 items shaped as hearts. First was a rock. I tried to dig it out because I forgot my camera and wanted to keep it. But I had no such luck. Then I saw a leaf shaped perfectly as a heart too

I have this strange thing with my eyes where they are constantly looking for hearts, whether they be shapes or real people hearts - Muah hahaha! 

Anyways, my lake run always delivers me right to my parents front door step. I asked my daddio if he would take me back to my rig at Gott's Point.

As we started to drive, my dad wanted to tell me a story.

It was about an alligator and a possum. Short version:

There was a possum that wanted to cross the river. The alligator offered to take him across but the possum was hesitant because he was afraid to be eaten. The gator promised he would not eat him and he'd arrive safely to the other side. So the possum climbed on the gators back but about halfway across the river, the alligator whipped around and ate the possum. But just before the possum was swallowed, he asked the gator "why!? Why was he eating him when he promised he wouldn't?" The gator said, "You knew what I was before you climbed on my back."

I smiled at my dad when he told the story because I knew exactly what he was getting at. He was talking about some of the young men I had been dating. I assured him that I had been going on plenty of dates BUT I have also declined many dates due to reason unknown, even to me - except for overwhelming feelings of knowing I'd probably regret the date afterwards.

He really wants me to go to his best friends singles ward in Meridian. I called his best friend, Bob, last week to get details and told him I'd come this week. So here I am blogging until it's time to get ready for a 2pm church!!

Daddy continued saying he was happy that I agreed to go to this singles ward. Bob apparently told him that there are a lot of great prospects there. HAHAHAHA! I laughed in my evilest laugh and said "Good for them! Tell them to go find a wife!!"

Then, sternly, daddy says, "You can't catch a fish unless you go fishing!"

Spitefully, I reply, "You're right! But once I catch it, Daddy, I have to gut it and clean it!!!"

He laughed out loud and kicked me out of his car so I could climb into mine and head out.

Very rarely do I have moments of desire to be married or to find a special someone. When I do though, it's overwhelming and intimidating. So I hurry and push those feelings aside.

I ended my day off with a bike ride at Celebration Park. It was beautiful and I felt so happy!! It was nice to finally get my bike out again.

This whole week has been very thought provoking.

I'm glad it's over though and I get to start fresh next week. It'll be a whole new month on Tuesday.

This spring is bringing new experiences for me. . . I'm taking Hunters Ed in March and a Kayaking class in April.

Can't wait!!